11.) [audio.]

[ijustlivehere]

Okay, yeah, this sucks. I'll admit it, okay? I hate that nobody ever wants to... no, y'know what? Forget people not ever wanting to do anything, people don't even hardly know I'm there unless I say something. It blows and I hate it and I'm... lonely. Okay? I said it, are you all happy now?

Comments

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

[Lucy waves off the apology and starts helping him hunt for it. She comes up victorious.]

Found it!

[And it goes on the counter.] Vanilla, chocolate or strawberry ice cream?

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Think I'm feelin' strawberry right now.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

[Lucy nods, gets the bottle of bourbon out and adds a generous amount of bourbon then adds a couple of scoops of strawberry ice cream before putting the top on the blender and turning it on.]

So curse or common feeling?

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

[He leans back against the counter and sighs.] A little of both, I think.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

[Lucy nods at that as she presses one of the buttons on the blender. It's ice cream so it doesn't take long to blend it with the bourbon. While it's doing that, she opens a cabinet and finds a couple of glasses. She stops the blender, pours the mixture into the glass and slides it across the counter to Neil before she starts making one for herself.]

I spent a year here without Jill. There were days I was so lonely and missed home so much I thought I'd make myself sick. There still are, sometimes.

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

A whole year. Wow. [Neil takes a long drink and thinks that over. It's makes him feel a little guilty for complaining so much over something that's relatively small in comparison.] That's rough.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

Good? [Lucy shrugs at that. She hadn't meant to make him feel guilty. She was just trying to let him know that he wasn't alone in those feelings.] I've been here a while and now with the no pulse thing...sorta stuck here which is totally okay with me. I think lonely happens at home too, it's just more noticeable here 'cause everything is so different. [Bourbon and chocolate ice cream go into the blender and she hits the button to start hers to blending.]

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

[He nods, and raises the glass a little in emphasis before taking another drink.] Must be weird. When you talk about home, it's like... I dunno. Sounds like you had a lot going for you. [Another drink.] I was lonelier at home that I've ever been here. Well, until like, really recently, anyway.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

[Lucy thinks about that a second as she stops the blender and pours her drink in a glass. She takes a sip before she speaks.] When I came here the first time...I loved my life. I was a student at the university I wanted to go to since I was a little kid. I did kind of eh in my classes but I passed or I found someone to help me pass. My best friend lived with me and my parents were half an hour away. Then I went home again after being here several months. [This requires another drink.] Daddy died and Mom was...so far gone on xanex and mint juleps and I couldn't blame her. I decided when I came back here, I didn't ever want to go home again. I couldn't deal with that. Here I don't have to.

[She tilts her head and swirls her finger through her shake before she pulls it out and licks her finger.] Why so lonely at home?

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

[Neil listens attentively, and places a hand on her shoulder.] Wow, that's... I'm really sorry.

I never... I mean, it doesn't really matter. I guess it wasn't that bad, if I think about it.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

[She smiles at him and nods.] Yeah. Me too.

[She spontaneously adds another splash of bourbon to both of their shakes.] Bad is relative. Your bad doesn't have to measure up to someone else's bad.

[She considers something he said a bit earlier.] So is here better for you then there?

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

Yeah, here's loads better. Well, usually, anyway. [He sloshes the drink around in his glass.] Lately, it's been kinda... [He shrugs.] The same sorta stuff that made home not-so-great is kinda catching up to me here.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

So talk to me. Tell me what's going on. [She fishes a couple of straws out of the grocery bag and plops one in her drink and the other in Neil's then takes a sip of hers. She sets her glass down and levers herself on top of the counter before picking up her drink again and watching him expectantly.] This is your therapy session. We'll have mine another time with shakes and red velvet cupcakes. Probably nakedness.

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

[Neil clears his throat nervously, but that makes him smile.] Promise?

[He sips at the straw, then takes a deep breath.] Okay. I don't wanna go all... mushy on you, but. Stephen Stills, he's, well. Kinda like the brother I never had, y'know? I'm not trying to be weird. I'm only saying this because if he wasn't, if it wasn't like that, this wouldn't matter. But he's been acting weird.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

Cross my heart. [She's glad to have gotten a smile out of him. Sadly she knows what's going on with Stephen but it's not her secret to tell.] He was home and now he's here. Sometimes it's hard to deal with that shift and everything that happened at home, bringing it all back here. He'll adjust and it'll be okay. Nothing's going to change that relationship you have with him.

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

Yeah, maybe. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long for stuff to go back to normal. [He swirls the straw around in the glass.] I mean, he was like this when I left home in the first place. And when I got here, it was like everything was fine again-- and then he leaves, comes back, and suddenly everything's just as weird as it was back back home.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

The preacher at home says patience is a virtue but since I didn't listen to him on most everything else, I don't really listen to him on that one either.

[She dips her finger in her milk shake again.] I always end up eating half my milkshake this way so I don't have an ice cream headache from drinking it so fast. Exhibit A: Lack of patience. [She looks back up to Neil.] You could try pouting, throwing a tempter tantrum and yelling 'you hate me' as you run out of the room but I'm pretty sure that only works if you're a girl and maybe then only when you're a six year old girl.

[She kicks her heels off, letting them clatter on the kitchen floor, then reaches out and nudges Neil with her toe.] Stay distracted. Time will pass faster that way and it won't seem like you're being patient at all.

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

[Neil quirks a smile at her. He definitely doesn't have any problem with her eating the shake that way. At all.] If a curse ends up turning me into a six-year-old girl, I'll give it a shot. [He pauses.] Hope I didn't just jinx that.

Distracted. Okay. Think I can do that. [He lets out a breath that ruffles his hair slightly.] Just wish I knew why, y'know? He seems... pretty messed up about something. But, 's nothing I can do to help if he doesn't say anything.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

[The first comment makes her laugh out loud.] If you end up a six year old girl I'll take you for a pedicure and ice cream.

[She sobers, dips a bit more of her shake out with her finger, and nods.] He will. Eventually. Maybe he just needs to work it all out in his head first. And when he does tell you, just assure him that you're still there for him. Just like always.

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

There for him? [Neil is beginning to suspect she knows more than she's letting on.] Yeah, sure. I mean, I just... dunno if he really wants that.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

Through whatever it is that's making him so upset? [Yeah, her poker face sucks. She will stick to her guns about not telling though. Particular where this is concerned.] He's your best friend. Of course he wants that. I mean unless guys are drastically different from girls on the whole friend thing.

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

[He sighs.] Best friend, yeah. But he's not really acting like it. [He takes another pull on his straw.] 'S avoiding me. Got back almost two weeks ago, and I could fit every word he's said to me on one side of a notecard.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

Like I said. Time. I still haven't talked to Jill about the whole dead thing and I tell her everything. Sometimes time is necessary. And avoidance just means it's gonna take more time. [More scooping ice cream out with her finger and licking it off.]

[illgrowoutofit.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well. He's kind of being a jerk about it. [He runs a hand through his hair.] I think he's been-- when he was back home, I mean-- I think he's been talking to. Uh, someone.

[mghtbconcussed.livejournal.com]

[Lucy scooches over a little, reaching out one leg to try and hook around Neil's leg and pull him closer. Distraction is good for him right now.]

Someone who?